On (Not?) Being a Sub

I'm not at all sure about labelling myself 'a sub'. Calling myself a masochist seems straightforward, because I enjoy being hurt, but submissive? I dunno.

There's the old question of 'who's really in charge?'. And I think I may well be 'a reaction top' in the sense that I like to provoke and control the man who's supposedly dominating me, by torturing him with his own desire to hurt/fuck me.

Of course it's narcissistic: I'm very turned on by seeing someone else's unwilling desire for me, a desire they don't want to feel. And exploiting that desire to get them to do things they are intellectually or morally uncomfortable with. Like making me bleed, or cheating on their partners (I'm trying to be honest here, not to justify any of this).

Because then they're angry with me. They want me - but they also want to punish me for making them want me. And that's when they push me down or grab me by the hair and fuck me harder, too hard. And I have a sort of sense of triumph.

I'm not sure that submission is an accurate description of this. I like to be hurt and dominated, but I don't see myself as submitting to that domination. What I want is to be forcibly overpowered, not to consent to it.

Ever since I was a child, I've liked arm-wrestling men: women too, but especially men. I've almost always lost, but I never, ever, let them win, and (in any context) I'm furious if I feel like someone's doing that to me. Where's the satisfaction in winning if it isn't real?

I like the idea of real wrestling, tumbling and struggling, heavy breathing: halfway between fighting and fucking. And ultimately being restrained, a hand over my mouth, being held down by one or more blokes as they use me. The idea that there is, in the end, nothing I can do about it - and I know because I tried.